An Unsent Letter

Posted: January 1, 2015 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

The new year began last night. Neighbors on the top floor made so much noise, but happy noise. Maybe four generations of their family got together. They played traditional music and danced. All of them were happy just like little kids with their mums and favorite toys. I admired them but it also annoyed me.

2014 must have been miserable year for most people, otherwise they would not be so happy that it was finally over. They were going mad outside, throwing fireworks into the air over and over again. To them this is how they were welcoming 2015 but wasn’t that what they did for 2014 just 364 days ago? Poor 2015 will be experiencing the same betrayal only 364 days later. It is hard to get people these days or something must be wrong with me. If I was the one who was missing the happiness, then yes, it was supposed to be me.

fireworks 2

The songs those teenagers played on the wet and dark streets of Istanbul were crying out anger and sorrow, turning each one of them into Mona Lisa of their kind. Rihanna’s songs sounded too fake and too empty for their realities on the other hand. Yes, love was universal and a universal but it had different colour in different cultures. This society had its own values, its own problems, its own needs, its own realities and it had to sing its own songs to give birth to its new self.

It was raining sometimes snowing outside. No year ever gives us the desert first. They all begin bitterly cold. I did not turn the heater on, since I was still transforming myself and not being very productive. Or maybe I was subconsciously punishing myself again. I did not invite anyone nor did I want to be with someone. You were there on the same chair. All your enthusiasm, expectations, hopes for a brighter future, were still in your beautiful brown eyes. You wanted to tell me what you had written last night but you changed your mind. Maybe you thought I was going to criticize you. God forgive! I don’t do that to people anymore. And we finally began talking about art and movies, because we both wanted to show people our interpretations of the world, or to tell them how much life hurt.

I have no appetite these days. Or maybe I am punishing myself without realizing once again for not being as good as I am supposed to be. For not being a proper sister for you, for not being able to escape from my own prison and tell you what you actually mean to me. For not being able to help you flourish just when you needed me, for not being able to touch you at least once, to give you strength and courage. For not being able to open my doors and tell you how much I actually loved you…Happy new year to you. To my only brother.

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