Posts Tagged ‘dawn’


I am right in the middle of the womb of the dawn doctor. The Sun is coming back, the moon is still here.They seem to serve humans just fine. Humans; they are just so troubled. Yes you are right; so am I, if you are trying to read me between my lines. That is right blame me for telling the truth, scape goat me, scapegoat me more because I am a woman, just because of the little comfort of the sweet lies you wake up to every morning.

 

I could not sleep last night doctor. I did not let my neighbour sleep either. I asked her questions about God, universe and us. She thought I was mad but she did not say that. She showed me pictures of her dead moments instead while we killed the time and time killed us. Yes you are right, I am on my PMS period. I read that some women had murdered their kids because of PMS. I am aware of that, but still trying to control it. Maybe I needed a little bit of help. I left her to her cats. She has thirty six cats, can you believe that?

womb-of-dawn

 

I came home and wonder why I had to past so many tests in life if I am eventually and inevitably going to die doctor. Why do I have to make so much effort to grow if all it leads to is just a brutal death? And why do I have to prove my love to God If he/she/it made me of love anyway? Surely he/she/it does not need my love, I need his/her/its love instead. And I need it bad, because humans are no longer capable to love each other doctor. They seek it in everything and everyone but they don’t give it to anyone, they are unable to. What made them that way, why and how, I don’t want to say I know even though I do. Because I know they will hate me for telling it. They are so eager and ready to hate and attack but they cannot love…they cannot love…they cannot…am I not right doctor? You know I am. I know you that but you never say it because you, too, are in it.

 

Where are you now? On the beach? With your new lover? Did you lie to your wife again? I am sure you did. Yes, you are right. I should not dive so deep into unknowable things like right, wrong, love and God. I should just live but never bleed. Even if I do bleed I should never admit it. I should fake happiness, I know that is what you want me to do. But don’t you die if you do that, too, doctor? I can see you smile. That is right, you should only dive into sea that deep. Even then you get so close to death and you need more oxygen don’t you doctor? I need more oxygen these days.

 

A woman laughed…no not purely out of joy…but pain. She begged to be loved but she did not say it…it was hard. Man felt every particle of her heart but he was unable to recognise. Even if he did, he would not know how to kill her pain but fuel it. Is your new lover killing your pain doctor? Are you slowly killing her with your fake love? Are you dying doctor?

 

Please write back before you are dead doctor. I miss arguing with you, fighting, screaming, swearing and all that jazz… I guess that is where I hide my joy, love and respect. I am sure you understand.

 

I am troubled doctor, please come back…come back before death.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Dawn is breaking here. Here where I still feel like an outsider. Hence I am never here. Where am I? Sometimes sitting right beside you watching you waking up next to someone else, loving your dreams in her, loving yourself in her, searching deeper meaning of life in your togetherness…but why is there still shadow of worry in the corner of your blue eyes, I whisper in your ears. You walk to bathroom and look into mirror.

“Everything is fine,” you say to the man in the mirror, trying to avoid his fears and invisible tears. You walk into the little cubicle to have a shower. Water cools you and I touch you softly with my deepest love.

“God, water is the best miracle,” you say as you walk out without seeing me there.

love letter

You feel nervous all of a sudden as you dry your body because you remember that you left your mobile in the bedroom. Do you cheat on her…yes you do…some part of you is still not satisfied…I wonder what can fill that void of yours because I know it is not who…no one can handle that task. You go out and take your phone without disturbing her. You wonder whether she checked your phone and you look at her with a subtle anger…you know it is not her it is you…you are angry with yourself but you never admit that. You dress up, wear your perfume…everything looks perfect on you until you push them all into the shadow of your pride.

She wakes up, you wear your manly smile that is broken with your pride. You don’t want her to know what power she has over you…you don’t want her to know that she has something you desperately need…you keep telling her “I love you darling,” but she knows how much you mean it and how much you don’t. She smiles and gets out of bed. And this invisible distance becomes apparent to her all of a sudden…you cause it to expand…she feels it but she lies to herself as it confuses her. Why do you still do that to women who come to you wholeheartedly…are you scared of being left alone again…don’t be…not everyone is a mad truth seeker like me…not everyone is in existential crisis like I was when I was with you…not everyone is crushed by dishonesty early in life like and developed some trust issue I had…yes I did not tell you about it, did I…because you assumed that I had never had a wound in my entire life…you never asked…you either could not stand to see me bleeding in words or maybe you really did not care…or maybe all you cared about was to have a beautiful and smart woman standing next to you…you were so excited to impregnate me…lock me in your house with your kids thinking that that was what I really wanted…but it was not…I did not come to this world to bear your kids and spend rest of my life bringing them up just to be rarely appreciated…I have learnt how to appreciate myself, thank you very much…no that was not the life I had in my mind but you never asked…your dream was supposed to be mine…and I was gone while still standing there, staring at you.

love letter

 

“Love you, too,” says she shallowly as you walk down on the stairs. She does not walk you to the door. You secretly resent but don’t tell a word…why would you…that would be too weak…you walk out leaving so many tests for her to reveal her real self…you did that for me , too…I mean what the heck was that for…why did you not talk…did you think everyone was a liar like you were…yes that was it, wasn’t it…but every test you left behind was a proof of who you actually were…don’t do that to her…she might walk away, too, one day.

You get in your car and drive…I am sitting next to you…you vaguely see a butterfly on your left side…you look for no apparent reason and see the empty seat in the middle of enjoying infinite freedom roads generate within you like they used to do…you cannot see anything but you hear a vague voice and look again…you feel drawn and you eventually touch the seat…

buuterfly

“Bloody weird,” you say to yourself and turn up the music. I can fuck your morning joy, making you feel even weirder but I don’t because I still love you…and my love does not dictate you to lead your life in my way…it has never done that to any man I liked…I say l liked because you were the only man who I loved and you still are…I send you love and hold on to my dreams not yours…I send you love and I will always do while pursuing my dreams…while you bringing up your kids…sorry I could not make you one because I could not be cruel enough to push a child into this world just to see how it feels to be a mother…I am working to save them all instead…I do not wish to be the mother of one but of all children on earth…I am working to show them the light…