Posts Tagged ‘earth’


Dawn is breaking here. Here where I still feel like an outsider. Hence I am never here. Where am I? Sometimes sitting right beside you watching you waking up next to someone else, loving your dreams in her, loving yourself in her, searching deeper meaning of life in your togetherness…but why is there still shadow of worry in the corner of your blue eyes, I whisper in your ears. You walk to bathroom and look into mirror.

“Everything is fine,” you say to the man in the mirror, trying to avoid his fears and invisible tears. You walk into the little cubicle to have a shower. Water cools you and I touch you softly with my deepest love.

“God, water is the best miracle,” you say as you walk out without seeing me there.

love letter

You feel nervous all of a sudden as you dry your body because you remember that you left your mobile in the bedroom. Do you cheat on her…yes you do…some part of you is still not satisfied…I wonder what can fill that void of yours because I know it is not who…no one can handle that task. You go out and take your phone without disturbing her. You wonder whether she checked your phone and you look at her with a subtle anger…you know it is not her it is you…you are angry with yourself but you never admit that. You dress up, wear your perfume…everything looks perfect on you until you push them all into the shadow of your pride.

She wakes up, you wear your manly smile that is broken with your pride. You don’t want her to know what power she has over you…you don’t want her to know that she has something you desperately need…you keep telling her “I love you darling,” but she knows how much you mean it and how much you don’t. She smiles and gets out of bed. And this invisible distance becomes apparent to her all of a sudden…you cause it to expand…she feels it but she lies to herself as it confuses her. Why do you still do that to women who come to you wholeheartedly…are you scared of being left alone again…don’t be…not everyone is a mad truth seeker like me…not everyone is in existential crisis like I was when I was with you…not everyone is crushed by dishonesty early in life like and developed some trust issue I had…yes I did not tell you about it, did I…because you assumed that I had never had a wound in my entire life…you never asked…you either could not stand to see me bleeding in words or maybe you really did not care…or maybe all you cared about was to have a beautiful and smart woman standing next to you…you were so excited to impregnate me…lock me in your house with your kids thinking that that was what I really wanted…but it was not…I did not come to this world to bear your kids and spend rest of my life bringing them up just to be rarely appreciated…I have learnt how to appreciate myself, thank you very much…no that was not the life I had in my mind but you never asked…your dream was supposed to be mine…and I was gone while still standing there, staring at you.

love letter

 

“Love you, too,” says she shallowly as you walk down on the stairs. She does not walk you to the door. You secretly resent but don’t tell a word…why would you…that would be too weak…you walk out leaving so many tests for her to reveal her real self…you did that for me , too…I mean what the heck was that for…why did you not talk…did you think everyone was a liar like you were…yes that was it, wasn’t it…but every test you left behind was a proof of who you actually were…don’t do that to her…she might walk away, too, one day.

You get in your car and drive…I am sitting next to you…you vaguely see a butterfly on your left side…you look for no apparent reason and see the empty seat in the middle of enjoying infinite freedom roads generate within you like they used to do…you cannot see anything but you hear a vague voice and look again…you feel drawn and you eventually touch the seat…

buuterfly

“Bloody weird,” you say to yourself and turn up the music. I can fuck your morning joy, making you feel even weirder but I don’t because I still love you…and my love does not dictate you to lead your life in my way…it has never done that to any man I liked…I say l liked because you were the only man who I loved and you still are…I send you love and hold on to my dreams not yours…I send you love and I will always do while pursuing my dreams…while you bringing up your kids…sorry I could not make you one because I could not be cruel enough to push a child into this world just to see how it feels to be a mother…I am working to save them all instead…I do not wish to be the mother of one but of all children on earth…I am working to show them the light…

 


“I lied!” cried a heart and broke the silence of the night !

“Why?” she then asked, “Why?”

Once again silence ruled the dark. ”Why?” she whispered once again and there heard her stars. And she closed her eyes.

“You did not know that you lied, you were just a little child.” told her a voice and she smiled.  A hand held her hand and took her up to a hill surrounded by an ocean.  She held the hand and they walked, she felt its soul but they did not talk. A rock! A rock began to roll down. She feared, it was going to hit her, she thought. The hand pulled her aside. She wanted to stop there, but the hand turned into a shinning star and joined many other stars, the hill turned into a piece of sky. “Did I not lie?” “No, you didn’t!” replied the brightest star. And once again she smiled.

Her footsteps...

Her footsteps…

“Yes I did! I did lie to you!”  she exclaimed, looking into the mirror while the Sun was greeting the earth. “And I am still lying” she whispered with knots in her throats. She looked deep into the eyes that appeared in the mirror. “What do you want, tell me what is it you want? Please! Tell me what you want and get me out of this prison!” Green forest began to become dark, quiet and rainy. “What is it?” she repeated, but could not find it, she could not hear it.

The Sun began to spread love once again. Earth began to feed and teach the men.The road was long and narrow, did not seem to end. Seagulls were loud again maybe because of their little brain. Man was always hungry, wild and noisy maybe because of his big and empty skull with no master to re-invent. Her footsteps told her not to, seagulls told her not to, men with big beards told her not to, women with small words told her not to.That was not the road, but she followed…


“Wake up!” a man shouted.

I heard him but I could not move.

“I said wake up!”he repeated more irritatingly this time. But my body, my body was too heavy. I wanted to move but I could not, I tried, he tried, she tried, again and again.

“Are you deaf?” he exclaimed and pushed me with his big heavy hand.

“I hear you but, but, but…”

“But what idiot?” he continued to shout , he breathed in and out, anger was all around.

He banged on the table, my head jumped up. All my body was still numb.

“You dumb! Did you take some drug or what?”

“No, no, but…”

My secret room

My secret room

“But?”

“But, it is too dark, isn’t it night?”

“No it is not!”

“Ouch! Ouch! Ouuuch!!!” He began pulling my hair and kicking my butt. I shouted, shouted and I cried.

“What do you want from me?”

“Who are you?”

“How would I know?”

“Don’t fuck with me? Who are you?”

“I said I don’t know! Don’t you believe me? I wish I knew who I am but I don’t, I don’t I don’t…”

At that point I broke down.

“So why are you here?” he asked.

“I don’t know, where am I? I don’t even know where I am, it is too dark, where am I?”

“Stop fucking with me!” he pushed me really hard. I fell off the chair, got hit by two walls on my both sides.

“When did you come here?”

“I don’t fucking know, I was here when I opened my eyes.”

“Well, they fucking seem open, don’t they? Hahahahah!!!”

“Stop laughing at me!”

“Who brought you here?”

“A bastard like you!”

He began kicking me really hard, I felt the pain in my lungs.

“What kind of sleep that made you fucking forget everything?”

“How can I know that?”

“Well, I am here and I will beat you until you tell me who you are and why you are here!!!”

“But who are you?” I asked as he pressed my forehead with his thumb.

Who are you? he asked.

Who are you? I asked?

Who are you? the dark room asked…

Who are you? the silence asked and answered.

You are…A ray of light entered and another ray, and another.It got bigger and bigger. The man got smaller and smaller.I woke up and he disappeared.

I was love of the Sun…


I am back, I said. He looked at me and …I said I am back. She looked at me and said…Can you hear me, I have come back, I exclaimed in the end. It looked at me and said…

Yes, I denied it, I looked for it in different things. I thought maybe… I looked for it in words most of which were wrongly put, I do not want to say they were lies, they were diseased fruits of ignorance, yes they were blind, blinding the hearers and readers without intending to do so maybe…I looked for it in sounds, they all vanished when I put a piece of cotton in my ears. I looked for it in the sky, in the moons, in the stars, in all kinds of birds’ wings that did not make me fly but the birds, I felt the water but I could not hold it, I loved it, I felt its love but it did not stay , it dripped, it dripped and it disappeared…I closed my eyes, they all disappeared. But I still felt, it got darker I felt it deeper, it got darkest I felt it deepest…

Open your hear to see the light...

Open your heart to see the light…

And now, I am back, a little upset for all of my mistakes. Yes, I had turned my back to you, to you,to you and to you. I closed my doors to you, to you,to you and to you… But I knew that you were always there.”You cannot say that because you cannot know when your heart is closed. No ray of light can reach out your world when your heart is blocked, don’t you know?” Yes, I do, that is the exact reason why I have come back to you, I was in dark for years looking for you. “Love is love when there is no slightest reason behind!” So am I still in dark? “Still reasoning, look around, look at the earth, look at plants, look at the Sun, come back after you have realized.” Realized what? “You will know when you have, you will shine like another sun, you will light everything you touch…

A leaf fell…

Posted: April 28, 2015 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

A leaf fell of a tree, she flew. Did she feel the freedom, she had sought? She flew maybe not like a bird but she did. Was she finally free? She stopped only after a few yards, as the wind stopped. She was by another big tree. Wind began again and she flew. Was she free?  Maybe she was. Was she free, was she dead? That’s how it seemed , maybe she was still there, on the top of the tree. Wind took her away again…

A leaf of freedom...

A leaf of freedom…

The tree did not seem to care but she did. All the other leaves sang a goodbye song for her. She felt it deeply but it was time for her to go. They knew they were not able to give her freedom but love. This was the only way for them to be free but the little leaf did not understand.The tree was the lover of the earth, she had discovered freedom that was hidden within love, long ago. Her freedom was within her love, did not have to fly neither too high nor too far to find it.

The little leaf was now on top of a roof under which she heard sounds of love echoing like she used to hear from her sister leaves. It was cold, she wanted to go inside, the wind was not around, but the same sound. Sound of love. Where was the wind?, she asked. There he was, and she flew again…

The rain came and the weak she became. Freedom was no longer her friend. She did not say it but she missed the tree. She had been on the roof of a church for days and months. She was now scared of the wind, he was no longer welcoming. She wanted to move , she could not.” Am I free, am I dead?”, she asked. She was neither alive nor dead, she realized.” Was I ever free?”, she wondered, she could not find the answer.

And one day wind came and took her back to the earth. Wind knew that, she was now free…