Posts Tagged ‘love’

My Sister

Posted: October 19, 2017 in Uncategorized
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My Sister


“Hi,”she said.

“How are you,” she asked and that was enough to fuck me up. Not because I was sad or bad or even mad but because it was her who asked how I was. She shattered all the pieces I had glued. They all stuck to each other I had thought and I was back to who I was, but had I ever known who I was. I mean the one who was free from wounds, scars and pain. Who was I going to be without them, I wondered. Without my wounds, scars, tears and cries who was I , what was I, I asked. How empty I looked to myself while trying to empty myself. What did I want for God’s sake, I asked my hungry-self. Experience but no wound…knowledge but no responsibility or headache…wisdom but no fucking pain or heartache…best of all I wanted power to murder all my weaknesses…but what kind of power would ever bring my pieces back and make me unbreakable, I wondered.


“I am fine, how about you,” I asked.

“I am okay, thanks,” she replied. I did not see her to know how sincere she was. “She is not really okay,” whispered my heart but I was not brave enough to ask whether she was or not. But I knew she was not somehow. And I knew she was not brave enough to say more, to ask more, to talk more…so she hushed up her heart and let it bleed like I did and we both listened to the sound of our pain for a while, thousands of miles away from each other.


broken rose 2


“I dreamed of you last night,” said she unexpectedly. It was courageous of her to say that. And I did not know what to say.

“I moved to another place, that must be the reason why,” I said , not daring to hear her dream.

“Where did you move to,” she asked, drifting away from what she had initially wanted to communicate knowingly or unknowingly, willingly or unwillingly…it was not that clear to me.


“I moved somewhere near the sea,” said I, pain of her accident in the darkest part of my heart.

“I wish you happiness in your new house,” said she, knowing perfectly well that happiness had got little to do with the house sometimes even none.


“Thank you…come and watch the sunset with me on the balcony one day,” said I. I listened to the silence, it was loud, it was wet, it was long… and it was resentful…


“It is still hard for me to walk, especially when the roads are not so good,” said she.

“The roads are not so bad here,” I said but she knew that they were. She knew that she was worth nothing before the accident like everyone else and now she was worth less than nothing as she was disabled. Nothing must be something if there was something less than nothing, I thought in that brief moment. Yes, moments can be incredibly brief and unbearably long sometimes.


“Do you remember how we had everything once…youth, health, determination, time, strength, yet… yet we did not appreciate them…maybe we did not know how to… or maybe we were too young and arrogant to do so…yes we wanted to be loved without being able to give love…we wanted money….we wanted to succeed something big…become someone bigger than anyone on the face of earth…yet we were put in invisible little prisons separate from one another…unable to hear…unable to see…unable to understand one another…yet we were told how free we were in those invisible little prisons…and that was the reason why we were unable to love…no matter what we had did not seem to be enough…and we were never good enough to our imprisoners…and how we hated each other…and how we hated ourselves, do you remember now,” I asked without uttering a word the best of which was surely going to hurt.


“I still panic when I cross the road,” she then said.

“Yes, that is because you had the accident while crossing the road, that will stop,” I said but I knew it was not that easy. We, humans, had hearts which had nothing to do with reason. Reason could explain why we had pain, how it occurred but it would never care how it hurt. It could cure it with some medicines, it could even numb where it hurt but it would never care what every pain left behind. Reason was dry, so was I. And I knew she did not like my reply. She did not know how upset and how angry I was.


“Is your father still alive,” I asked.

“He was, I heard,” said she. That was when we felt hell of anger and resentment but no word. That was when we felt the sharpest knife of our lives stabbed in our hearts but had nothing apart from watching how we were losing blood.


“It is okay,” said she, remembering the day she had had the accident and how her father pushed her in front of a bus which crashed her to the pieces. I knew it was not okay, she knew that, too.


“There is nothing we can do, just forget all about it,” said she. She said that despite her broken leg. I knew that she did remember him every time she took another step. She sounded like she had learnt how to appreciate what she had, including her bad and a little mad dad.


“He is not bad, he is just an angry dad who has never been hugged or loved and whose anger was the way he begged for help to get out of his loveless hell,” our hearts whispered to each other. And we stopped texting to each other. I sent her a picture of the sea I saw from my balcony.


“Come and enjoy the sea one day…at least we can have one nice sisterly memory to remember…it might make us forget the bad ones maybe,” I texted while the sun was leaving with a hope of another tomorrow.


She did not reply.







The Orchids’ Prayer

No it was not love…he knew it was not…she could feel it was not but wanted to believe that it was…at least for a little while…she looked strong like an oak but she was an orchid on the inside…yes that is right she was fragile…the world was cruel…she was fragile…the world was cruel…she was fragile…the world was cruel…and she was stubbornly fragile…to believe in love…it made him feel weak to love someone who was not strong enough to survive without his love…she was too fine not to see that in his eyes…which lied…which lied… he felt smart as he lied…he felt more manly as he lied…he thought he could conquer her world…he thought he could destroy her with his lies…but some part of his cried inside…some of part his died…she was too fragile to fight…too divine to let him drown…no it was still not yet love…she still smiled…stood like an oak…but still fragile inside…


Yes it was a defeat…how could he have accepted it…the world was cruel…he was brutal…how could he have accepted it…it was an oak he had destroyed…it was an orchid he had drowned…how could he have accepted it…the world was cruel…he was brutal…but still beaten…still defeated…how could he have accepted it…he was ashamed…filled with guilt and disappointment…no oak…no divine look…no weak orchid…but disappointment…guilt…defeat…laughter of his demons…how could he have accepted it…he stood on the top of his roof…to destroy the defeated brute…he looked at the Moon…he looked at it again…he was ashamed…orchid was there…he heard her prayer…love he said…how weak…how blind…how dark…how ignorant I was he said…orchid cried with grace….she prayed…he looked at the roof…he looked the brute who stood on the roof…he looked at the Moon…Orchid prayed…she still loved him with grace…he could not forgive the brute…and he pushed him…God, said he as he began to fall…Love said he as he continued to fall…Light whispered he when he lay on the ground…Orchid prayed…people learned to love the brute in the Moonlight…Orchid prayed…people prayed…They smelled orchids…

“Orchids,” they said and the Orchids prayed.
“Grace,” they embraced and the Orchids smiled.
“Love the brute,” Orchids whispered and people smiled. Tears dried…

Morning Verses…

Posted: April 28, 2017 in Uncategorized
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Hello everyone,

Here are some verses to murder your fears.

morning verses

Have a wonderful creative weekend…

It was full moon and I reported all my ex-lovers to the police. Yes, I did…I did…I did…Oh God…I did…I don’t know why I did it but it felt so good…so empowering…it felt like I fucked them better than they fucked me at least once…but I wanted to kill some of them or maybe I already killed all of them…

And then I sat down and thought…about what else I could remember about them…I wanted to know more about their dark and dirty side…I wanted to report them again…I don’t know why I wanted that…It was like I had swallowed a dragon and it was now uncontrollable… telling me to fuck all the fuckers… all the fuckers who secretly thought that they were more important than me…because of their big muscles…and their secret weapon they had between their legs.

I was confused for years…especially after I had my first fuck…I asked myself how can a cock be used for love if it is mostly used for revenge, anger, hatred and domination…How can a man like Bruce Willis, who supposedly expressed his love saying that he wanted to fuck his lover while in reality he was only horny, filled with semen not with love. What a smelly rottenness covered with a masculine smile…what a cocky way of degradation of love and women…what a subtle suppression…Yes it began with him…Willis started it…and then misogynistic comedians  with little dicks continued…


And one day I came to conclusion that no man actually used their cocks for love…they used it to feel man…to feel man meant to feel superior to them…to the society that was formed by them, empowered them, entertained only them, privileged only them unless you are the Queen Elizabeth…And then I began thinking about the weapons I could use not to wound or kill the cocks but trivialize them…I discovered that some fellow women thought that they could use their kids for that…I sighed and wanted to remove their uteruse immediately…they were just dumb and lazy…well, yes they were…not only that…they were not one or two or three…they were many…

Why do I still think about them…aren’t they all so small…with little light in their mind which is only enough to show them what they have between their legs…I want to report the guy, who wrote the script of the movie where Bruce Willis replaced love with fuck in millions of people’s minds, who produced that movie,to the police …I want to report Mohammed, Schopenhauer, Nietzsche to the police of the Hell. Yes, I know they are in the hell…I can feel it…Oh I also feel the dragon that reminds me of all that…

“Play dumb, discover dirty secrets of more men and report them if you cannot fuck them!” shouts he.

“No, that is not so smart…I cannot play dumb in my entire life…tell me what I can do to break their weapons!” I ask.

“Produce money!” shouts the dragon.

“Money?” I asked like a real dumb.

“Yes, because money is far more important…far more powerful than any man!” whispers the dragon and allows me to breathe.

Oh God! I can breathe…what was that all about…was it the Full Moon…was it my PMS…

All I wanted to was to love…



Writing is Joyfully Painful

Write…you should write about that girl…isn’t that such a touching scene…how could he do that to me…Oh God! That hurt…still hurts…fuck him…fuck that and everything…cry…cry until your heart stops aching because your head takes it over… close your curtain write about that too…sit there until your but feels like a stone…write how many killed…how many wounded…how many orphaned in your heart’s battlefield…rescue the good…punish the bad…show the truth…kill the devil…let the love win…let the justice prevail…let the one who had faith from the very beginning smile and walk away…yes it is dark…but who cares…what goes on outside should be corrected here inside…whatever went on, too…open the curtain for a while…see the Sun saying goodbye in colors…feel blessed…you are calm but not quite right…not completely…

Call someone…hear a human voice to heal your soul…o how beautiful…how miraculous they are…hear them swear…hear them smile…hear them cry…that is the life…that is how we know God…that is how we love…and close your eyes…let the stars whisper in your ears…let them come to your dreams…let them plant your next move in your heart…let them bring storms, snows into your life…let them make things fall apart…let them whisper you in the middle of the war that you are fine…you will always be fine…let the angels wake you up in the middle of the night…or before the dawn…be quiet and listen…they want to tell you something…something to mix with your ink…listen…and then you can go back to sleep again…


Wake up…feel guilty if you miss the sunrise…feel blessed if you don’t… say hi…hi our beautiful sun…I love you so much and leave her for a short while…close your curtain and write…yes you have lost your appetite ever since that scene got stuck in your mind…hurt your heart and made you cry…you did not even know why…why you cried…but when you sat at your desk and began to type…you realized…why you cried in the dark that night…laugh out loud in the middle of the fight…life is not that cruel…you should not be either to your readers…they love, they long for a small sweet surprise…smile at them between your lines…just like how God does to us in between day and night…

And the last chapter…you struggle…not because you don’t know what to write…but you don’t want say goodbye…you don’t want to leave your characters…you don’t want to leave your readers…you don’t sit at your desk for a day and another day…but you don’t enjoy anything when you are away…so you eventually come back…sit at your desk…and say goodbye…o how hard it is to put the last full stop of the last page…you look at the page; you are excited…upset…happy and sad…but you do put the last full stop…”are you sure you don’t want to put a comma,” asks your heart…you smile and feel amazed…you remember the last mad two months you spent at your desk…and you smile again…

A day goes by…you are in pain again…you are restless again…you miss your desk and new characters are already writing themselves up there at your desk…you stop walking by the beach unexpectedly and come back to them…That is how joyfully painful writing is…That is how joyfully painful writing is only if you are a true author…

Here are two books I have written joyfully and painfully. You might have already read “The Little Virgin Whore” and discovered who you truly are by conquering another woman’s life. If you have not then this is the time because you will get “The Bloody Foreigner” for free when you buy “The Little Virgin Whore.”

They are available on Amazon,Apple, Barnes&Nobles.Grab them now!


She got out of the tube station and turned right. That’s right, she was always told to stand on the right, do right, say right and be right and yes she loved turning rights without knowing why. Who was she anyway, she was told to think. She was in her bloodiest conflict when she accepted it, she was attacked and frightened when she didn’t. Yes she was belittled like every other feminine soul with a hole, she was no one, she was small, she was insignificant, she was nothing. Hence she always wore the highest hills to feel a little significant.

hilly heels 3

She passed by some shops, some appeared and disappeared around her. People seemed to be forbidden to look at each other when they walked on this street and on every other street in London; the city that was in love with itself, the city that sold pride to those who lacked it at the cost of their smiles.

There appeared two men; they saw where she was and what was happening inside her hilly heel;no they could not smile either. Her feet were pulsing in her head now. She looked at them, could not see them but fear them. She began walking faster on her hilly heels.

“Beauty has a high price,” a woman whom she admired exclaimed in her mind. She walked on to the known, feeling pulled by her unknowns.

“No you should not go!” said her mother.

He was there, standing in front of a book shop. She saw him and walked back to the tube station.

“Yes, you should go and have fun,” said the woman whom she admired. Her heart breathed for a few seconds.

She walked back to him.

“You are nothing more than a little hole, no matter what you in this world!” shouted her father.

She hated him, she wanted to go and punch the young man in the face.He was waiting for her in the cold and dry weather. She felt ashamed of what she felt; ashamed of what she wore, ashamed of being there. Her feet pulsed in her head, she was not here and she walked back to the tube station again.

Hello everyone, thank you for your ingenious replies to the last week’s story. You have just read the “Inside Her Hilly Heels” which explores the love-hate relationship between women and their heels. You know what to do next. Complete “Inside Her Hilly Heels” with your unique insight as creatively as you want as part of the Magic Book Writing Project.

If you have not joined the project yet visit Magic Book Writing Project now and be the part irreplaceable part of our collective creativity.


psychosisMagic Book Writing Project

3:57 Psychosis

3:57! Are you not coming? Come on, jump in! Or we will be going! This is the only 3:57 Train!

Wake up! I woke up! Look around! I looked around! What is the time? 3:57. Get up! I got up! Someone died! Who? You don’t know? No! Then why did you wake up! I don’t know; I just did.

“I am bored and dissatisfied with everything”

Yes, I remember she said that, but I was not there. I did not even know her!

“I am a complete failure as a person I am guilty”

Yes, she said that, too! Oh God!

“I am being punished I would like to kill myself”

Oh no!

“I used to be able to cry but now I am beyond tears

“Yes, but what do you want me to do? She is not here!

“I have lost interest in other people I can’t make decisions”

I wish I was there.

“I can’t eat”


“I can’t sleep”

“I can’t think”

“I cannot overcome my loneliness, my fear, my disgust”

“I am fat”

“I cannot write”

“I cannot love”

“My brother is dying, my lover is dying, I am killing them both”

“I am charging towards my death”

“I am terrified of medication”

“I cannot make love”

“I cannot fuck”

“I cannot be alone”

“I cannot be with others”

“My hips are too big”

Stop it! Stop it! Do not repeat! That was a psychosis! It was a fucking psychosis! Do not repeat it! She could have lived!

Why? Are you scared? No! Then what? Nothing! I knew I was not supposed to go see that scene! I knew! Why, what happened? That’s I don’t know! I have been hearing that train since then! What train! 3:57 Train.

You have just read the first half of the next week’s project as a part of “Magic Book Writing Project”.I dedicated this story to a great author who I had no chance to meet but whose spirit I felt through her work . Please complete it with a sensitive and tender heart.