Posts Tagged ‘Thames River’

She gave me some Christmas pudding and it was heavily snowing. I took it kindly but didn’t really eat it. I heard what she didn’t say, her eyes were loud and her smile. I put it in my little room and wanted to go far, far to get where I was…

It was cold and quiet outside. I walked up to the London Eye. Some photographers were taking advantage of silence and pure whiteness of their surroundings. I looked at River Thames, I looked at the grey sky, I looked at Big Ben and magnificent building of the British Parliament, and National Theatre where so many stories exposed so many truths in so many painful scenes to become mirrors of the seers’ souls.

London Eye and Big Ben

London Eye and Big Ben

It was getting colder and quieter and I was walking faster on my heels without knowing how much fear and pressure I was under. Was it because of the city of London? Was it because of darkness of my nature? I didn’t know but all I needed was some lines by Beckett or Brecht to make myself feel better back then. If not,by Sarah Kane. Maybe our souls could meet between their lines as our sufferings were almost the same.

Thames did not say much today even to the birds who were paying a visit despite its coldness. Her eyes, her ginger hair and her smile appeared on the thin skin of Thames and disappeared. I am sure she was a nice person, but what was this wall between us? She shared her innermost thoughts with me once. She said she had always found herself too manly. I told her that maybe a different hairstyle could change her masculine look, she said no, she had tried almost all styles. It was the way she felt. I would have helped her really seriously, only if I knew that her way of validating herself was going to be so sickening. She found a man soon after our conversation and got herself fucked really badly as often as any human being could until my schizophrenic landlord and I had to tell her to leave. That was not nice, London Eye witnessed and agreed.
I thought maybe St. Paul Chatedral could tell me something or make me think about something more meaningful than all but it made me feel too small. I just wanted to create something more magnificent than what Christopher Wren just there and then. Why then Virginia Woolf appeared on the face of Sir Wren? I did not understand. My feet were hurting again.

Why did I wait for four years to taste the pudding she gave me so kindly and so quietly? Did I have to be in Smyrna to see that beauty? Where am I , where is that wall, where did it all go? London Eye might know…


“You look too thoughtful and sad for a beautiful young lady!”,said  all of a sudden a white-black and dark blue coloured bird,  in the middle of her spring song.

“You, too, and that makes me think even more.”, replied young lady in her late twenties while the Sun ,that had brought  lovers and kids together  in the green area neighbouring the river earlier, was painting the sky into red in Southbank.

“Why?”,asked stateless bird’s eyes.

Birds in a philosophical conversation.

“You have the best freedom in the world, what makes you think that deep and feel sad? We, human beings, have never fought for anything more than we did for freedom and still we are not as free as we want. Most of us envy you, but you don’t seem to be happy either.

“Oh, I am ok actually. It is only that my eyes and my mind are not happy with each other.”

“You sound cute, but what do you mean by that?”

“I see the world in a way you can never see and I always  try to see nice things but it is still hard for me to understand what you, human beings, do on such a beautiful earth like this.”

“For example?”

“For example, I have always tried to understand why you always fight down here. You said, you think it is all about more freedom? Is it really?

Yes and about equality!”

“Is that the reason why you kill each other?” asked curiously and landed in her shoulder. One was more beautiful and irritatingly curious than another now.

She had never imagined to be questioned by the most innocent looking species on earth and left speechless for a while .Thames River’s old and cold face, that had the loudest screams of the most tumultuous time, was now locked in her eyes .It had never looked that green before and never had that much moss, but it did in them. One child from Palestine cried and asked where his mother was behind the big wall, the other one from Israel asked why she could not play with him on the other side. None of them understood what made them enemy to each other. A young girl in Iraq couldn’t even find her father’s grave and stayed still her fist on her heart on a Friday. She opened her arms and asked God not to let that happen to anybody again in her pray.

Thames was as restless as her heart and her eyes were as wet as Thames now. Colourful beauty on her shoulder couldn’t dare to leave her in that state and they travelled to millions of other worlds together in the deepest part of the river. She had never felt like that before neither under the whitest clouds in a blue sky nor on top the most magnificent mosque, church or synagogue .Her wings lost their significance on these shoulders somehow.

The sky was blood red like Libya’s streets now and it was getting a little cold. Darkness was going to rule the city for a while from now on but the Sun was going to come back and light this part of the world again. The stars were going to collect the most innocent dreams of the kids one more time and leave them more hope to make them fight better tomorrow. They were soon going to find out that they have to fight for whatever they want in this world. They were going to have to fight for freedom, justice and of course for the universal dream peace which we all failed to provide them when they came to us. Unfortunately they were going to fight even for their basic human rights just like Tunisians, Egyptians and Libyans…Were any of us going to get rid of this guilt and sleep well at all?

“Are you sure it is about freedom and equality?” said and moved her left wing up for a change. Do you kill animals, do you destroy the nature for your freedom, too?

“No that is the result of our survival on earth.”

“I don’t think so young lady .You, human beings, die and kill  just to dominate one another! Do you know why you do that?”


“You all love controlling one another and hate being controlled by others. You all have a secret desire to be the one who knows the most  and controls everything and everybody in the world. Some of you call that God, some call it inexplicable power.”

“Not all of us.”

“You all do at different level. Those who are victims of this thought victimize rest of you. Therefore your fight for freedom, justice and peace will never end.”

“It will, we will bring the peace  to the world  that we all dream of every day.”

“Even if you do, I won’t be able to see it.”


“My life is only six months and I am three months old already. I better go now.”

“Wait! I want to ask you something!”


“Will you promise me that you won’t tell all those things, that  you told me, to any child? We will bring peace and justice to their world, they won’t have to fight for freedom as hard as we do.”

“I can’t promise you that, kids need to know the truth!”  said and flew thoughtful bird.

She was now in her deepest thoughts. “I love your colourful wings!” ,shouted behind her and walked home with the Moon .